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David Brenner. I really don’t like him. For those of you too young to remember David Brenner, he is a comedian who used to fill-in on The Tonight Show back in the Johnny Carson days. Tall, skinny….. big teeth.
One day a few weeks ago I came across a David Brenner book titled “Soft Pretzels With Mustard”.
I myself LOVE soft pretzels with mustard, while everyone else I know prefers their soft pretzels with cheese. Due to that fact, I couldn’t help but pick the book up and start reading it. I can still say after reading the book that I still don’t like David Brenner that much however, there was one line in the book that made the entire read worthwhile:
“I’m not trying to change the world, I’m trying to keep the world from changing ME.”
That’s pure gold.
It was only a few nights ago that Brock and Jeff were asking me about my upcoming column; they were wondering where it was. I told them honestly, “I’m not really pissed off about anything right now.” Then I added, “but give me a few days, I’m sure that will change”.
It took until the next morning when I opened the newspaper.
Southwest airlines is being sued by two black women who claim that the stewardess on the returning flight from Las Vegas directed a racial “rhyme” at them before take off. According to the report, the stewardess was trying to get everyone in their seats, and said over the intercom: “Eeeny meeny miney moe. Take your seats, we’ve got to go”.
Now let’s be honest, we have all heard a similar schoolyard rhyme, and yes, I have even heard it as a racial slur. More often than not it was a “tiger” we were catching by the toe growing up in Pa.
These women were hearing what they wanted to hear. They were looking for an excuse to get uppity. They probably lost more money than they cared to admit after leaving Vegas and wanted a quick way to cash in.
The sad thing is that it’s actually going to court! It’s now a legitimate case!
At least twice in the last few months, overweight people ranging from morbidly obese from slightly large have been suing fast food places such as McDonald’s, Burger King, and KFC stating that they (the plaintiffs) didn’t know it would make them fat! Cheese N Rice, haven’t these people ever heard the term “junk food”? What do they think junk food means?
People continue to ignore the warning labels on cigarettes and then sue Big Tobacco when they get cancer.
A woman spills coffee on her lap and sues McDonalds because the coffee was hot.
All of these people and their lawsuits are ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as the attorneys that represent them or the courts that hear them out. I can’t believe that there is not a person in charge whose sole responsibility is screening these suits before they go to trial. What SHOULD happen in cases like this is that if the ridiculous plaintiff LOSES the case, the ATTORNEY should be held accountable for all penalties and costs. Because you see, the attorneys are the ones telling these imbeciles that they actually have a case.
But, until that happens we’ll amuse ourselves with a few lawsuits that we ourselves could file.
Now I hate to break this to you but Max Steele is not my real name. It is in fact a name I used as a pro wrestler from 1988 to 1997. However, it was a real name as far as copyrights go. Go ahead check it out. The name Max Steele was copyrighted by the PWF in 1988. So imagine my surprise back in ’99 when I turned on the TV and see a commercial for Max Steel action figures and a Saturday morning cartoon show! The only difference is that I spell my name with the ever-important “e” at the end while that little animated Max-bastard spells his name “Steel”.
This cartoon show has sold to a lot of advertisers and quite a few action figures and other assorted toys. They probably have cash to spare. Let’s sue ‘em!
If you like to play video games you might feel my pain on this one.
Capcom is the manufacturer of many video games including the very popular “Resident Evil” series.
Resident Evil 1 was the one and only reason that I bought a Sony Playstation back in ’97. I was happy. Then Resident Evil 2 came out for the PS1 and again I was happy. Soon, Resident Evil: Nemesis and Resident Evil: Survivor came out. That was a total of 4 games. I was happy. I went and saw the Resident Evil movie and bought it on video when it came out. I couldn’t wait to see what the good people at Capcom had in store for me next! So in my anticipation I bought a Playstation 2. Guess what? Capcom dropped its LOYAL fan base with Sony and switched to the Nintendo platform! NO NO NO! That’s the thanks we get for buying their first four games!
Therefore I say we sue Capcom for the amount of money I spent ($300 for PS1, $50 for Resident Evil, $50 for Resident Evil 2, $50 for Resident Evil: Nemesis, $40 for Resident Evil: Survivor, and $300 for PS2) as well as any pain and suffering caused by this act of desertion.
Even though I could easily go to Best Buy and purchase a Nintendo Gamecube and once again play my games, I will not do it on principal. Nintendo and Capcom deserve each other and I hope their decision bites them both on the ass.
How many times have you tuned in to watch the “Fox Sunday Night Lineup” only to find that football or baseball (or horse racing, water ballet, or freestyle midget-tossing) has replaced the Simpsons? Now I understand that SOME people want to watch sports…. But Fox has SEVERAL SPORTS NETWORKS! Why interrupt their “time-tested”, Emmy-award winning, successful shows for sports, when they could throw the NFL over onto one of their SPORTS networks?
(Here’s a little mini-rant about professional sports…. In all honesty I know less people that watch sports today than I did 5, 10, and 15 years ago. Years ago I knew people that would put their entire lives on hold for the Superbowl. Now if I call them up on Super-Sunday and ask them if they are watching the game they say, “What game?”
I even used to enjoy watching pro sports. I quit watching when it became a Big Business instead of a sport. The players have NO LOYALTY to the teams, and the teams have NO LOYALTY to the fans. One week you could catch someone playing for Dallas, the next he’s playing for Denver or Pittsburgh. NO LOYALTY!
Don’t believe less people are watching? Check out the ratings for Monday Night Football compared to Wrestling on ANY GIVEN Monday Night!
Plus Dion Sanders is a weasel.)
In my lawsuit against Fox, I will settle out of court and let them keep airing football as long as they end the games when they are supposed to be over. And do away with the friggin’ Post-Game shows! As a Pittsburgh man I love Terry Bradshaw as much as the next guy but COME ON! Want to increase ratings on football games? Drop the Post-game show and make them watch the game instead! Post-game shows just make it so you don’t have to watch the games. Duhhhhhhh!
This time I will sue for the pain and suffering caused by Scrubs being bumped back a week, two weeks in a row without notifying the viewers. Because of this we had to sit and watch that pukey Ross and Rachel show. Actually, this show was alright when they were all just “Friends”.
Scrubs is the only decent show on NBC.
Besides, I hate Rachel.
She reminds me of every ex I’ve ever had and not missed.
But I digress…….
In all seriousness, I have read so many posts in The Forum about supporting Amarillo’s small businesses. Such ludicrous lawsuits are definitely one of a few things that are killing small businesses. In today’s business world you have to be so careful in what you say, how you say it, and whom you say it to. You must watch out for what you do, how you do it, and whom you do it to. Guin White is always pushing her small business. Guin, do YOU have an attorney? If not, get one because someone will probably be suing you because your last name is “White”.
On that note, anyone know a good lawyer?
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