Here´s a little riddle for you guys in Amarillo……… what´s is this a picture of?

Answer: This is an overhead view of ME trying to get on I-40.

What IS your obsession with the right hand lane here????
What is wrong with the other lanes?
There ARE other lanes there….. look to the left! They are there, I promise!
Once upon a time, I thought that Amarillo had the WORST drivers in the U.S. As it turns out, I was wrong. Amarillo actually has the BEST drivers in the world. Not just the U.S…. but THE WORLD! How do I figure? I base that on the fact that 50+ people don´t get killed a day in Amarillo in driving accidents! THAT´S how.
Seriously, there are so many idiots out there on our roads; it´s scary. I actually did some studying and discovered that Amarillo is the only place where you can get a driver´s license if the guy can´t guess your weight at the fair. Some people here get their licenses from sending in two proofs of purchases from General Mills´ brand cereals……
Last week I took in two trash bags full of old beer cans to the recycling center and they offered me a free driver´s license in lieu of the cash!
I firmly believe that no one should be allowed to drive but me. BUT, since that will not be happening, I figured I would do the next best thing. UNCLE MAXY IS GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE.

THE HIGHWAY
In most cases here in Amarillo, there are at least three lanes. No really, there are. The FAR LEFT HAND lane is for passing. That means passing that jackass that´s ALWAYS gonna be there; he´s the one who´s going 15 miles under the speed limit.
The FAR RIGHT HAND lane is for getting on and off the highway. The right hand lane is also the one lane that everyone in town is obsessed with driving in. Amarillo drivers are stingy and want to be the only ones on the highway. This is why they drive in the right hand lane; they don´t want to let YOU on. Any lane between the left hand lane (passing lane) and the right lane (getting on and off lane) are for driving purposes. As stated earlier, this is where the people usually drive 15 MPH under the speed limit.
When getting on the highway, it is always best to remember that cars go FAST on the highway. So how come I always get stuck behind the jerk who gets on the highway going 25MPH?
Getting off the highway is no better. Here´s how it SHOULD be done: Use your turn signal (it´s that stick-thingy coming out of your steering wheel) and signal that you are about to exit. Make your way into the right hand EXITING lane (watch out for the other jerks that are in that lane going 15MPH under the speed limit; they probably won´t let you over) then proceed down the exit ramp. WATCH OUT because no one in Amarillo seems to know what a YEILD sign is either. I took a poll in a bar the other night and showed everyone a picture of a yield sign. When asked what the triangular sign meant, 3% knew it was a yield sign but couldn´t remember what it meant, 88% thought it advertised a lesbian-friendly coffee shop, and 7% said it meant "turn here to get to Andy´s house."
2% are still undecided. Go figure.

This means you can go UP TO 55 Miles Per Hour.
Amarillo is the only place in this country where you can see someone driving a 5.0-liter Mustang going 35MPH down I-40. Am I the only person in Amarillo that´s ever in a hurry to get somewhere? I wish these people would just stay at home until it´s time for them to be somewhere. If you don´t have a life, stay home.

RESIDENTIAL DRIVING
Number one rule…… (and this is coming from a father) If you want to drive fast, go to the highway, otherwise, slow the hell down in the residentials. It should be a law that anyone caught speeding in a residential area should lose a toe or a finger. Residents should be able to throw rocks and bottles at speeders in their neighborhoods. I had a dobie one time that got ran over right in front of my house by some idiot that was going 60 down my street. That could have been my son that got ran over. Nonetheless, I followed the idiot to his house, found out where he lived, found out that he was just a punk kid that didn´t buy his car; it was given to him by his parents, talked to his folks, and got them to agree to let me post an 8´x 4´ sign in their yard. It said "Our Son´s Need For Speed, Killed An Innocent Dog"
2 weeks later his parents sold off his car.
It still didn´t bring back my dog. What an ass.

True or false: You can turn right at a stoplight.
TRUE. Unless it is designated "no right turn on red" you CAN turn right at a stoplight.
So why is it, that I always get stuck at an intersection behind someone in the right hand lane? This person will stay in my way thru the entire duration of the light, even though there is NO ONE in the other lanes!
What´s worse than that? Yep. When that person TURNS right AFTER the light turns green! (afterward, they will drive down the middle of the road going 20 MPH) Then I´m 8 minutes late getting wherever it is that I´m going.

Amarillo´s a funny place. Not letting others get on or off the highway, driving 20 miles under the speed limit, speeding down residential areas, backing up traffic…… what do all of these (and other) bad driving habits have in common? One thing, a total lack of consideration for other people.
It has become a common belief (world-wide) that WE should not care what anyone thinks about us. We get told that all the time.
"Why do you care so much what other people think about you?" someone will say…..
To an extent, this is a good philosophy. HOWEVER too many people take it too far. They think this little piece of advice gives them free-reign to be the pompous, arrogant, self-centered, inconsiderate jerks that they are. Not caring what anyone thinks means you can run over dogs, and it means you can cut off people on the highway and flip them off when they get right up on your ass. Not caring what others think means you can listen to your Eminem CD on your car stereo as loud as you can at 4:00 in the morning. Ultimately what it means is that you are a jerk, and shouldn´t be allowed to reproduce.

Here Endeth The Lesson.

  See you guys next month!